Well I have decided to keep blogging as encouraged by a friend who I know from an online mother's group I am in, she has a blog and I have read a bit of it and I have decided I am into it, yeah!
Last Friday I had my work Christmas Party and I had brought a tunic/dress from home that I had never worn before and so was not sure what would look good with it tights or leggings. So after much consultation with my work colleagues it was decided tights. So I had to go shopping to buy some tights and found this small sock shop in Melbourne Central with an even smaller japanese woman working there. I went in searched for a while and then asked if she had any black tights, she pulled some out of a box and passed them to me. When I asked what size they were she proclaimed "You need big!" and pulled out an XL-XXL. Well I was shocked and saddened but really she was right. When I tried them on later they did indeed fit. When I saw a photo of me from the party I saw a girl in a gorgeous top with a big belly sticking out and I saw someone who is incredibly unhappy with her weight and tries to do something about it but keeps relapsing into bad eating, sigh! I didn't see the confident, slim, happy girl I used to be.
I was a skinny child. I was a slim teen. I even went and tried out for some modelling agencies when I was about 17. One told me to cut my waist length hair. Another told me I needed to spend money to get a portfolio done but I didn't have any money for that. Also being only 5 foot 6 I really wasn't tall enough. So the modelling career never happened. Then I repeated year 12 and stcaked on the weight. I was eating for two me and my brain. I wanted to improve my VCE score and indeed I did, in fact I doubled it. I gained a University place but I also gained almost 2 stone. After being at Uni for two years and realising boys did not like the new fat Cassie I went on a diet, my first and I lost the weight. I then gained the boys and that was great. So I went through my 20's being super slim and it was not because I was watching what I ate it was because I was going to Uni, living out of home, working in hospitality, partying, being poor. It was great. Then I met Jimmie. I was still super slim but then I got comfortable and put on a bit of weight and it was while I was trying to lose it that I fell pregnant with Dylan and now I am still not even back to my pre-pregnancy weight which was way more than I like to be anyway. I must work harder I want to be 57-60kgs but I am 70kgs. I have so far to go.
I don't equate happiness with skinniness I equate happiness with healthiness of mind and of body and at the moment I do not have that.
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