39 weeks on Thursday and I am feeling every pound of this big boofa baby.
I have SPD, cankles, feeling hot all the time and having trouble sleeping, waaaaa. Well all good practice for when this little one decides to make his or her appearance in this world. I must admit I am looking forward to interrupted sleep from a newborn as opposed to interrupted sleep from pains in the night.
On top of being almost 39 weeks and all of my physical issues (it is my body's way of telling me I am getting too old for this) we are moving into a new place in the next week. It was pruchased on the 23rd of December and settlement was supposed to be on the 5th of Feb which gave me a month to unpack and nest. Unfortunately the dude that built the unit did not do everything properly when subdivising leavinbg us with a settlement date of tomorrow, eeeeeekkkkkkk. Oh well the move still must go on. My husband is doing most of it but I have been helping. I just can't wait to get in there and start nesting. Oh and did I mention it is brand new with air con and an ensuite and a lovely big kitchen and myown laundry and 3 bedrooms and a backyard albeit small but our own backyard nonetheless.
Let me give you a visual of what we currently live in:
Two bedroom upstairs flat
Old unrenovated
Dirty falling apart
Shag carpet was once white now greyish
Kitchen the size of a small bathroom
Bathroom the size of a broom cupboard
Shared backyard which is ok as Dylan has a friend downstairs
Shared laundry downstairs
I must admit though I have loved living here it has been a real era of my life as I have lived in this flat for 13 years. I moved in here at 22 by myself with nothing not even a fridge I had a bed a couch and my teenage bedroom furniture. I then acquired a roomy the lovely Anna (who is still my dear friend) and a table and a fridge. Then I acquired Mark when Anna moved out and that was cool asd he is a sweetheart and gay. Then I got Loren who was here for 18 months and she was cool too. Then the psycho Kristy but I will save that story for another day she stayed 3 months and then I kicked her out. Then Seona moved in, she had always wanted to live in this flat ever since she saw it and then finally she was able to, she is a friend from the street I grew up in. Then sadly for Seona she introduced me to the husband and so then he moved in and she moved out. And he has been here for 8 years, poor him.
So many things have happened in this flat. I finished my degree here. We conceived three children here (one in our hearts, one STILL in utero). Many life changing decisions have been made here. A few parties. Friendships made and broken. Hearts broken (mine). Lots of fun. Lots of music and movies. Lots of playing (with Dylan). Just lots. It is sad to leave but as there is no room left at the inn we must move.
So off we go to the BURBS!
Come on baby almost ready now.
Monday, February 22, 2010
Friday, January 8, 2010
32 weeks and hotter than hot....not hawt though!
It is far too hot for my liking. 35 yesterday 34 today 33 tomorrow 41 monday and so on I hate Melbourne summer, especially while pregnant. Eeeekkk waaaaa and sheesh.
I am now 32 weeks and feeling every inch the heifer that I have become. I am waddling mostly due to the SPD I have, sweating especially on my upper lip (noice), grumpy, have huge mammaries and so on. This second journey through pregnancy has turned me off another one pretty thoroughly. I don't feel glowy or maternal just hot and fat. Oh well.
Baby is quite active and was head down at last midwife appointment hope it stays that way and gets out early although as Dylan was born at 41w3d I do not have high hopes for an early eviction.
I am finishing work in two weeks on the 25th of Jan yay so that is something to look forward to and then we are moving so I will be packing labelling sorting and culling. My mum bought a brand new unit and we are going to live in it and pay her a little rent ha. Yay for us. Eventually we will buy our own place but we cannot afford it right now. Although the unit is way out of town it is brand new and has 3 bedrooms 2 bathrooms 2 living areas laundry air conditioner a pretty fabbo kitchen a garage and a small yard for Dylan, a step up from our very old upstairs run down falling apart hot stinky 2 bedroom 1 bathroom 1 living area shared downstairs laundry shared backyard no garage or carport yucky flat. Hooray. Jimmie is not 100% happy with the location but he is willing to give it a go and the promise of a new car and an uncluttered home has made him a bit more happy and excited. I think I will be happier there too. I will be closer to mum and two of my close girlfriends who both have a daughter close to Dylan's age and one of whom has just had a new bub and one who is due to have new bub 12 weeks after me so we will all be on mat lave together yay. So I am hoping to be able to see both of them more often.
I have been preparing a little for bub's arrival with packing the baby bag and starting my hospital bag. My mum bought us a bassinet and I have booked a capsule. Can't really do a lot else for bubs until we move. I do want to start preparing myself for birth though, I am going to reread Birth Skills and am supposed to practice my deep breathing and relaxation. I am hoping to have a water birth but will just go with the flow on the day and so whatever I feel like doing at the time. As I am having a birth centre birth there are no decisions to be made re pain relief as there is none, I will use the gas if need be and try to be active but hoping that if I get in the bath that will help. Knowing my luck there will be someone else using it when I want to.
Apart from that I am too hot to do anything today so will probably hang on the couch and do not much else. Hoping Jimmie will want to play with Dylan and I can relax how lazy.
I am now 32 weeks and feeling every inch the heifer that I have become. I am waddling mostly due to the SPD I have, sweating especially on my upper lip (noice), grumpy, have huge mammaries and so on. This second journey through pregnancy has turned me off another one pretty thoroughly. I don't feel glowy or maternal just hot and fat. Oh well.
Baby is quite active and was head down at last midwife appointment hope it stays that way and gets out early although as Dylan was born at 41w3d I do not have high hopes for an early eviction.
I am finishing work in two weeks on the 25th of Jan yay so that is something to look forward to and then we are moving so I will be packing labelling sorting and culling. My mum bought a brand new unit and we are going to live in it and pay her a little rent ha. Yay for us. Eventually we will buy our own place but we cannot afford it right now. Although the unit is way out of town it is brand new and has 3 bedrooms 2 bathrooms 2 living areas laundry air conditioner a pretty fabbo kitchen a garage and a small yard for Dylan, a step up from our very old upstairs run down falling apart hot stinky 2 bedroom 1 bathroom 1 living area shared downstairs laundry shared backyard no garage or carport yucky flat. Hooray. Jimmie is not 100% happy with the location but he is willing to give it a go and the promise of a new car and an uncluttered home has made him a bit more happy and excited. I think I will be happier there too. I will be closer to mum and two of my close girlfriends who both have a daughter close to Dylan's age and one of whom has just had a new bub and one who is due to have new bub 12 weeks after me so we will all be on mat lave together yay. So I am hoping to be able to see both of them more often.
I have been preparing a little for bub's arrival with packing the baby bag and starting my hospital bag. My mum bought us a bassinet and I have booked a capsule. Can't really do a lot else for bubs until we move. I do want to start preparing myself for birth though, I am going to reread Birth Skills and am supposed to practice my deep breathing and relaxation. I am hoping to have a water birth but will just go with the flow on the day and so whatever I feel like doing at the time. As I am having a birth centre birth there are no decisions to be made re pain relief as there is none, I will use the gas if need be and try to be active but hoping that if I get in the bath that will help. Knowing my luck there will be someone else using it when I want to.
Apart from that I am too hot to do anything today so will probably hang on the couch and do not much else. Hoping Jimmie will want to play with Dylan and I can relax how lazy.
Sunday, September 20, 2009
The denim dress and the propsal
As requested by Melissa.
Jimmie and I had been going out toegther for about 4 months. We were already pretty mad for each other but it was still early days so we lived seperately and were in the courting phase. He is a guitarist and at that stage was in this well know Melbourne swing/bluesy band called The Redliners. How I loved that band. One Saturday night they had the support gig for a well known American swing band royal crown revue very cool gig. Anyway I went out and bought this very cute little one off denim dress that was a little bit rockabilly and a little bit country girl and a whole lot of cute. The crowd would be full of cute rockabilly girls and boys and people into swing and blues and of course my love Jimmie would be on stage and I wanted to look my best. I must admit I did look great as this was pre baby pre sitting on my bottom for work etc etc so I had long swinging hair, red lips and a hot bod. A couple of Jimmie's band mates told him that night to watch out for me cos I was hoit and other guys would probably try to hit on me. Anyway the bands played really well, we all had a fantastic time and then after the gig some of us went and kicked on at this bar in the city which Jimmie and I were frequenting a lot in those days Cherry Bar. So we had some drinks there and chatted and listened to the music and as it was packed just got into the vibe of the place. We were having the time of our lives.
Some of the crowd that had been at the gig were now at Cherry Bar too and we knew some of them so I was off socialising. I was especially talking to oneof my favourite rockabilly guys called Chris who was the spitting image of Brian Setzer. Anyway this guy Chris was English and was telling me how he was being sent back to England because his Visa had run out and I thought that was very sad and was asking him if there was anything that could be done about it. He was like "No" and i said "How about if we get married?" would you be able to stay then?" He was adamant that he couldn't and that wouldn't make any difference. So after a while I went back to find Jimmie to tell him the sad story that Chris was being deported and how I had offered to marry him and Jimmie was understandably horrified that I had made such an offer. He said "What you can't marry him!" I said to him "it was only for the Visa" and he replied "No you can't marry him you should marry me" and I said "Are you serious? And if you are serious then get donw on your knee and ask me properly". And he did. In a packed inner city bar in front of hundreds of people and some of our friends he got down on one knee and proposed. I went around the bar telling all of these strangers and we dranks champagne til we went home. The next morning we both woke with slight hangovers and asked each other "Do you remember last night? Were you serious?" Once we established we were both serious we got up and rang our families with the good yet surprising news. They were ecstatic.
So was it the dress, the alcohol, the mood of the night, or was it the threat of other guys, we will never know but all I do know is we are still together today and although lots has changed and we have been through some tough times together we are still here 8 years later and still love each other. Wonder what happened to Chris????????
Jimmie and I had been going out toegther for about 4 months. We were already pretty mad for each other but it was still early days so we lived seperately and were in the courting phase. He is a guitarist and at that stage was in this well know Melbourne swing/bluesy band called The Redliners. How I loved that band. One Saturday night they had the support gig for a well known American swing band royal crown revue very cool gig. Anyway I went out and bought this very cute little one off denim dress that was a little bit rockabilly and a little bit country girl and a whole lot of cute. The crowd would be full of cute rockabilly girls and boys and people into swing and blues and of course my love Jimmie would be on stage and I wanted to look my best. I must admit I did look great as this was pre baby pre sitting on my bottom for work etc etc so I had long swinging hair, red lips and a hot bod. A couple of Jimmie's band mates told him that night to watch out for me cos I was hoit and other guys would probably try to hit on me. Anyway the bands played really well, we all had a fantastic time and then after the gig some of us went and kicked on at this bar in the city which Jimmie and I were frequenting a lot in those days Cherry Bar. So we had some drinks there and chatted and listened to the music and as it was packed just got into the vibe of the place. We were having the time of our lives.
Some of the crowd that had been at the gig were now at Cherry Bar too and we knew some of them so I was off socialising. I was especially talking to oneof my favourite rockabilly guys called Chris who was the spitting image of Brian Setzer. Anyway this guy Chris was English and was telling me how he was being sent back to England because his Visa had run out and I thought that was very sad and was asking him if there was anything that could be done about it. He was like "No" and i said "How about if we get married?" would you be able to stay then?" He was adamant that he couldn't and that wouldn't make any difference. So after a while I went back to find Jimmie to tell him the sad story that Chris was being deported and how I had offered to marry him and Jimmie was understandably horrified that I had made such an offer. He said "What you can't marry him!" I said to him "it was only for the Visa" and he replied "No you can't marry him you should marry me" and I said "Are you serious? And if you are serious then get donw on your knee and ask me properly". And he did. In a packed inner city bar in front of hundreds of people and some of our friends he got down on one knee and proposed. I went around the bar telling all of these strangers and we dranks champagne til we went home. The next morning we both woke with slight hangovers and asked each other "Do you remember last night? Were you serious?" Once we established we were both serious we got up and rang our families with the good yet surprising news. They were ecstatic.
So was it the dress, the alcohol, the mood of the night, or was it the threat of other guys, we will never know but all I do know is we are still together today and although lots has changed and we have been through some tough times together we are still here 8 years later and still love each other. Wonder what happened to Chris????????
Monday, September 7, 2009
A post about me (aren't they all)
Yay tagged by Lyric
Which language do you want to learn? I would love to restudy French or pick up Japanese.
What do you love most about where you currently live? The rent and the proximity to the city (can you beat 11kms). Also I love that both of my children have been conceieved here.
What is your favourite colour? Purple.
What is your favourite piece of clothing in your own wardrobe? The very cute denim dress that I was wearing when Jimmie proposed to me that I have only worn once (one day I will fit into it again!) oh and this black cardigan with bell sleeves that I shrunk ages ago but have never had the heart ti get rid of it because I loved it so much.
Describe your personal style? A little bit of sexy rock chick with a side of mum!
If you had $300 now, what would you spend it on? A new car stereo or a bunch of maternity clothes from Ripe Maternity.
What are you going to do after this? Watch Farmer Wants a Wife, drink milk and then go go to bed at 9.30, ah the wild life of a pregnant, working mum of a 3 year old.
What are your favourite films? When night is falling, The Sweet Hereafter, Gattaca, Breakfast at Tiffany's, Puberty Blues, any David Lynch, Peter Greenaway or Tim Burton film, most horror films.
Do you collect anything? Maybe DVDs but not obsessively.
What makes you follow a blog? I love reading about other people's lives, there is a bit of a voyeur element to me.
Do you like to comment on blogs or just lurk? I mostly just read but do the occasional comment.
What's one thing you dream of doing? Buying a house, owning a mustang and becoming a primary teach ooohh sorry that was three.
What is your biggest regret? Not accepting the offer of a wealthy ex boyfriend to pay off my car loan for me (no strings attached) but I would be forever tied to him in a way so glad I didn't do it.
What is your favourite thing to do on a rainy day? Be inside watching the rain from indoors.
Do you have a tattoo? No but have always wanted one and think I may still get one or two.
What are your favourite books? Anything by Paullina Simons, anything by Jodi Picoult, lots and lots too many to name here.
Describe your ideal holiday. An island resort with pools, cocktails, seafood buffets, beaches, warm weather, sleep ins, etc. Or USA unlimited time and money in New York, San Francisco and wherever else takes our fancy.
I tag Melissa and Kisses
Which language do you want to learn? I would love to restudy French or pick up Japanese.
What do you love most about where you currently live? The rent and the proximity to the city (can you beat 11kms). Also I love that both of my children have been conceieved here.
What is your favourite colour? Purple.
What is your favourite piece of clothing in your own wardrobe? The very cute denim dress that I was wearing when Jimmie proposed to me that I have only worn once (one day I will fit into it again!) oh and this black cardigan with bell sleeves that I shrunk ages ago but have never had the heart ti get rid of it because I loved it so much.
Describe your personal style? A little bit of sexy rock chick with a side of mum!
If you had $300 now, what would you spend it on? A new car stereo or a bunch of maternity clothes from Ripe Maternity.
What are you going to do after this? Watch Farmer Wants a Wife, drink milk and then go go to bed at 9.30, ah the wild life of a pregnant, working mum of a 3 year old.
What are your favourite films? When night is falling, The Sweet Hereafter, Gattaca, Breakfast at Tiffany's, Puberty Blues, any David Lynch, Peter Greenaway or Tim Burton film, most horror films.
Do you collect anything? Maybe DVDs but not obsessively.
What makes you follow a blog? I love reading about other people's lives, there is a bit of a voyeur element to me.
Do you like to comment on blogs or just lurk? I mostly just read but do the occasional comment.
What's one thing you dream of doing? Buying a house, owning a mustang and becoming a primary teach ooohh sorry that was three.
What is your biggest regret? Not accepting the offer of a wealthy ex boyfriend to pay off my car loan for me (no strings attached) but I would be forever tied to him in a way so glad I didn't do it.
What is your favourite thing to do on a rainy day? Be inside watching the rain from indoors.
Do you have a tattoo? No but have always wanted one and think I may still get one or two.
What are your favourite books? Anything by Paullina Simons, anything by Jodi Picoult, lots and lots too many to name here.
Describe your ideal holiday. An island resort with pools, cocktails, seafood buffets, beaches, warm weather, sleep ins, etc. Or USA unlimited time and money in New York, San Francisco and wherever else takes our fancy.
I tag Melissa and Kisses
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
I'm here again
Well I am back again again feeling happier and fatter. That's right I am 14 weeks pregnant yay hip hip hooray and hallelujah. I am still feeling very wary about it all but after seeing our newest little one at our 12 week scan two weeks ago I must say I felt very relieved. I think though that I I will only feel completely at ease once I start to feel movements. I am so excited ot be sharing this journey with my lovely friend Lyric who is about 11 weeks ahead of me and it is her second bub too. Dylan was 8 months old when her little girl was born so this time she is ahead and our babies will only be 10-11 weeks apart.
I have had morning sickness which really only ceased last week and I have actually had a day here and there still of it which is annoying but as long as I eat I manage to stay on top of it. And on the subject of eating well I have already gained 5 kilos eeeekkkkkkk and as I was 3 kilos heavier than what I had hoped my pre-pregnancy weight would be I am seriously behind the eight ball in the weight gain stakes. So I have to be really careful this trimester not to gain too much and again in the third trimester. I gained 20 with Dylan and do not want to do that this time because it is so hard to lose afterwards. Other symptoms at the moment are tiredness and sore/itchy boobs.
I am predicting a boy this time but DH predicts a girl so we will see who is right. I have my fave boys names picked out just have to get Jimmie on board with them and then work on the girls names. We have decided not to find out this time, we found out with Dylan and this time I want a surprise. If we can hold out at the 20 week scan.
Anyway great news all round. I have my first midiwfe appointment today as I am going to have this baby at a midwife run birth centre so that will be interesting. See you all soon.
I have had morning sickness which really only ceased last week and I have actually had a day here and there still of it which is annoying but as long as I eat I manage to stay on top of it. And on the subject of eating well I have already gained 5 kilos eeeekkkkkkk and as I was 3 kilos heavier than what I had hoped my pre-pregnancy weight would be I am seriously behind the eight ball in the weight gain stakes. So I have to be really careful this trimester not to gain too much and again in the third trimester. I gained 20 with Dylan and do not want to do that this time because it is so hard to lose afterwards. Other symptoms at the moment are tiredness and sore/itchy boobs.
I am predicting a boy this time but DH predicts a girl so we will see who is right. I have my fave boys names picked out just have to get Jimmie on board with them and then work on the girls names. We have decided not to find out this time, we found out with Dylan and this time I want a surprise. If we can hold out at the 20 week scan.
Anyway great news all round. I have my first midiwfe appointment today as I am going to have this baby at a midwife run birth centre so that will be interesting. See you all soon.
Sunday, May 24, 2009
Back again
Well I have been slack but I have also been very sad. Sad about losing our little angel and sad that my husband has had to be away so much working on the stupid house in Sorrento. Well I can feel a little happier now as he is home again after being not so graciosuly thrown off the job by my mad mother, oh well it is her house and it is her money she is wasting. So apart from my bitterness about how the whole thing has turned out I am rather chuffed to have him home again, yay.
So we have just started trying again and I am at the end of my first cycle TTC post miscarriage and I think it will be a big fat negative as my temps dipped this morning and I have spotting. Oh well on to thenext cycle I guess. I really want to be pregnant I feel so sad about not being pregnant and I am starting to feel infertile which I cannot be because I have fallen pregnant 4 times over the last 8 years but sadly only have one baby to show for that. I feel as though everyone around me is just getting pregnant and I am being left behind. I want to say I know I will have myself another baby but I don't know this. I really still want to have three babies and time seems to be slipping away. I also did not want this big a gap between Dylan and his brother or sister. He is about to turn three and so he will be heading towards four when another one comes along if I get pregnant and it sitcks that is. I guess I shouldn't feel so gloomy about the whole thing but I can't help it. I think if need be we will have use a fertility specialist but I hope it doesn't come to that as I know it will be very expensive. Sigh. Wish I could feel positive but it is very hard to at the moment. I bought our angel baby a willow tree figurine http://www.willowtree.info/ and so I have one for Dylan and one for the baby I lost. Myhusband doesn't like them but I do I love them. They are quite girly I suppose so I can see why he wouldn't like them. Too bad they are staying.
Anyway enough of my doom and gloom I will do a sunny post about Dylan (my beautiful treasure) soon.
So we have just started trying again and I am at the end of my first cycle TTC post miscarriage and I think it will be a big fat negative as my temps dipped this morning and I have spotting. Oh well on to thenext cycle I guess. I really want to be pregnant I feel so sad about not being pregnant and I am starting to feel infertile which I cannot be because I have fallen pregnant 4 times over the last 8 years but sadly only have one baby to show for that. I feel as though everyone around me is just getting pregnant and I am being left behind. I want to say I know I will have myself another baby but I don't know this. I really still want to have three babies and time seems to be slipping away. I also did not want this big a gap between Dylan and his brother or sister. He is about to turn three and so he will be heading towards four when another one comes along if I get pregnant and it sitcks that is. I guess I shouldn't feel so gloomy about the whole thing but I can't help it. I think if need be we will have use a fertility specialist but I hope it doesn't come to that as I know it will be very expensive. Sigh. Wish I could feel positive but it is very hard to at the moment. I bought our angel baby a willow tree figurine http://www.willowtree.info/ and so I have one for Dylan and one for the baby I lost. Myhusband doesn't like them but I do I love them. They are quite girly I suppose so I can see why he wouldn't like them. Too bad they are staying.
Anyway enough of my doom and gloom I will do a sunny post about Dylan (my beautiful treasure) soon.
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
I'm sorry to have to tell you.....
Sadly we lost the baby.
Thursday a week and a half ago I started spotting but it was pink spotting like I had with Dylan so I thought it is ok, it will be ok. Then it continued on Friday and Saturday but more brown spotting old blood which I thought it is still ok. On the Saturday I went to my GP to get my 12 week scan referral and mentioned the spotting to him and he brushed it off saying it is normal. So on it continued and so I called the Uptrasound place on Monday and got in on Tuesday and so took the day off. By this stage the spotting was heavier but not period heavy and still pink. But I had some cramping though very mild and I realised my boobs had stopped hurting and I no longer felt that full feeling in my womb. I was scared. I cried many tears between Saturday and Tuesday, I was swinging between the thoughts "It's ok everything is ok with the baby" to "It is all over". By the time I went for my ultrasound I was convinced it was all over but I felt a slight glimmer of hope that they would show me my healthy 11 week old baby on the screen with a beating heart. As the ultrasonographer was scanning my uterus she never showed me the screen, instead she kept it turned away from me. She said to me "How many weeks pregnant should you be?" I knew, I just knew as soon as she said those words that the baby was gone. Then she asked me if she could do an internal I agreed knowing it was all over. When she was doing the internal she stopped and put her hand on my arm and said to me "I am sorry to have to tell you this but I can see a baby but there is no heartbeat. The baby died at 8 weeks" I just said "Ok" because what was the point of crying to a stranger, I saved it all for home. She asked me if I minded if she got the doctor to give a second opinion and he came in and said the same thing that the baby died at 8 weeks. Sigh.
This wasn't supposed to happen to me. I have a perfectly healthy boy and I had a wonderfully normal and healthy pregnancy with him. Why not another one the same. I am so ready for another baby why did this have to happen now and to me. I want Dylan to have a baby brother or sister. I was so happy to be giving him a playmate. But now it is not to be.
I am sad, so sad. Too sad to be able to tell anyone how sad I really am. Dylan keeps me going as I have to keep going for him. If there was no Dylan I would be in bed crying all day. But there is Dylan and he is my little boy and I love him and want him to be happy and not know Mummy is sad. I am so glad we kept the news of the baby from him now I don't have to explain that no baby is coming to him.
We will try again, in fact we will try as soon as I have my next period but I kind of thought my TTC days were behind me for now at least. It is annoying to have to jump on that bandwagon again. It is not romantic and it is stressful.
The Ob/Gyn I saw and who did my D&C said we can start trying as soon as my next period comes which is good. I hope it happens quickly but it may not. As we have had two miscarriages in a row now, we will be able to have things looked into by him if another miscarriage is to occur. I hope hope hope I do not go through another one. He also said we could have the foetus and myself tested for genetic abnormalities but we declined this as we have a perfect Dylan so we should be able to have another perfect little one.
We will keep on going and we will have our pefect second baby. He or she is out there waiting for us. I am hopeful of this.
Thursday a week and a half ago I started spotting but it was pink spotting like I had with Dylan so I thought it is ok, it will be ok. Then it continued on Friday and Saturday but more brown spotting old blood which I thought it is still ok. On the Saturday I went to my GP to get my 12 week scan referral and mentioned the spotting to him and he brushed it off saying it is normal. So on it continued and so I called the Uptrasound place on Monday and got in on Tuesday and so took the day off. By this stage the spotting was heavier but not period heavy and still pink. But I had some cramping though very mild and I realised my boobs had stopped hurting and I no longer felt that full feeling in my womb. I was scared. I cried many tears between Saturday and Tuesday, I was swinging between the thoughts "It's ok everything is ok with the baby" to "It is all over". By the time I went for my ultrasound I was convinced it was all over but I felt a slight glimmer of hope that they would show me my healthy 11 week old baby on the screen with a beating heart. As the ultrasonographer was scanning my uterus she never showed me the screen, instead she kept it turned away from me. She said to me "How many weeks pregnant should you be?" I knew, I just knew as soon as she said those words that the baby was gone. Then she asked me if she could do an internal I agreed knowing it was all over. When she was doing the internal she stopped and put her hand on my arm and said to me "I am sorry to have to tell you this but I can see a baby but there is no heartbeat. The baby died at 8 weeks" I just said "Ok" because what was the point of crying to a stranger, I saved it all for home. She asked me if I minded if she got the doctor to give a second opinion and he came in and said the same thing that the baby died at 8 weeks. Sigh.
This wasn't supposed to happen to me. I have a perfectly healthy boy and I had a wonderfully normal and healthy pregnancy with him. Why not another one the same. I am so ready for another baby why did this have to happen now and to me. I want Dylan to have a baby brother or sister. I was so happy to be giving him a playmate. But now it is not to be.
I am sad, so sad. Too sad to be able to tell anyone how sad I really am. Dylan keeps me going as I have to keep going for him. If there was no Dylan I would be in bed crying all day. But there is Dylan and he is my little boy and I love him and want him to be happy and not know Mummy is sad. I am so glad we kept the news of the baby from him now I don't have to explain that no baby is coming to him.
We will try again, in fact we will try as soon as I have my next period but I kind of thought my TTC days were behind me for now at least. It is annoying to have to jump on that bandwagon again. It is not romantic and it is stressful.
The Ob/Gyn I saw and who did my D&C said we can start trying as soon as my next period comes which is good. I hope it happens quickly but it may not. As we have had two miscarriages in a row now, we will be able to have things looked into by him if another miscarriage is to occur. I hope hope hope I do not go through another one. He also said we could have the foetus and myself tested for genetic abnormalities but we declined this as we have a perfect Dylan so we should be able to have another perfect little one.
We will keep on going and we will have our pefect second baby. He or she is out there waiting for us. I am hopeful of this.
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