I'm sorry to have to tell you.....

Sadly we lost the baby.

Thursday a week and a half ago I started spotting but it was pink spotting like I had with Dylan so I thought it is ok, it will be ok. Then it continued on Friday and Saturday but more brown spotting old blood which I thought it is still ok. On the Saturday I went to my GP to get my 12 week scan referral and mentioned the spotting to him and he brushed it off saying it is normal. So on it continued and so I called the Uptrasound place on Monday and got in on Tuesday and so took the day off. By this stage the spotting was heavier but not period heavy and still pink. But I had some cramping though very mild and I realised my boobs had stopped hurting and I no longer felt that full feeling in my womb. I was scared. I cried many tears between Saturday and Tuesday, I was swinging between the thoughts "It's ok everything is ok with the baby" to "It is all over". By the time I went for my ultrasound I was convinced it was all over but I felt a slight glimmer of hope that they would show me my healthy 11 week old baby on the screen with a beating heart. As the ultrasonographer was scanning my uterus she never showed me the screen, instead she kept it turned away from me. She said to me "How many weeks pregnant should you be?" I knew, I just knew as soon as she said those words that the baby was gone. Then she asked me if she could do an internal I agreed knowing it was all over. When she was doing the internal she stopped and put her hand on my arm and said to me "I am sorry to have to tell you this but I can see a baby but there is no heartbeat. The baby died at 8 weeks" I just said "Ok" because what was the point of crying to a stranger, I saved it all for home. She asked me if I minded if she got the doctor to give a second opinion and he came in and said the same thing that the baby died at 8 weeks. Sigh.

This wasn't supposed to happen to me. I have a perfectly healthy boy and I had a wonderfully normal and healthy pregnancy with him. Why not another one the same. I am so ready for another baby why did this have to happen now and to me. I want Dylan to have a baby brother or sister. I was so happy to be giving him a playmate. But now it is not to be.

I am sad, so sad. Too sad to be able to tell anyone how sad I really am. Dylan keeps me going as I have to keep going for him. If there was no Dylan I would be in bed crying all day. But there is Dylan and he is my little boy and I love him and want him to be happy and not know Mummy is sad. I am so glad we kept the news of the baby from him now I don't have to explain that no baby is coming to him.

We will try again, in fact we will try as soon as I have my next period but I kind of thought my TTC days were behind me for now at least. It is annoying to have to jump on that bandwagon again. It is not romantic and it is stressful.

The Ob/Gyn I saw and who did my D&C said we can start trying as soon as my next period comes which is good. I hope it happens quickly but it may not. As we have had two miscarriages in a row now, we will be able to have things looked into by him if another miscarriage is to occur. I hope hope hope I do not go through another one. He also said we could have the foetus and myself tested for genetic abnormalities but we declined this as we have a perfect Dylan so we should be able to have another perfect little one.

We will keep on going and we will have our pefect second baby. He or she is out there waiting for us. I am hopeful of this.

Big boy bed

Dylan is in a bed yay yay yay. He has gone so well in his 'big boy bed', which is really his cot transformed into a junior bed. I am so proud of him. Jimmie and I set it all up on Thursday and when Dylan got home from daycare I told him about it and he ran into his room and said "oooohhhh" as he does and climbed up to have a go. And he has slept beautifully in it ever since, if I had known it was going to be this easy I would have done it ages ago. He doesn't really get out to play at bedtime instead laying in his bed chatting to himself. He loves to pull up the covers by himself and he also has to arrange his mimi poo and scarecrow under the covers with him, so very cute. We had not had a falling out incident as yet or a getting out of bed and crying at the door incident either, what a good boy I have. Next job toilet training and dummy removal (before bub 2 comes).

Feeling hot hot hot

It is 43 degrees here ins Melbourne today, too bloody hot for me and my liking. Yesterday it got to 43.2 and my sleep last night was very disrupted. We don't have aircon in the flat we live in and although I have lived here for 12 years and should be used to it I am not. There is no relief in sight for a few days either. I have skipped work because I feel too sick and too hot and too tired to go. I know my office is airconditioned but its really getting there and getting home in the searing heat and with connex as our train network that has turned me right off going. So I am lazing around at home in front of the fan, sparying myself with water and dabbing my brow with a wet facewasher. I took Dylan to daycare because they have airconditioning and at least he will do some activities as opposed to if he was here with me I would be lying on the couch thinking please amuse yourself. Poor little man. His room last night was the hottest in the house, I just had him in a nappy and the fan on him, but it was still hot, although he slept really well, lucky thing.

Jimmie and I are going to remove the sides off Dylan's cot today and make it into a junior bed, hooray for Dylan. He is growing up into a big boy and needs a big boy bed. We will buy him a single bed and bedroom furniture when we move into our house. So tonight may be interesting with sleeping for him, I am sure once he is asleep it will be fine but getting him to go to sleep will be the challenge. Oh and he has learnt how to pull his own covers onto himself righ during the heat wave, LOL. At least I know that by winter he will be fine to be out of his sleeping bag and alright with his doond and sheets and will be able to pull them up himself if he kicks them off. He has been loving hopping into mum and dads bed and pulling up the covers. I really feel he is ready for this big step. Will let you know how it goes.

Off to melt some more.

Sick

Bleuurgghhhh I feel sick. I jave felt nauseous on and off (though more on) since Thursday and I wonder how long it will last. Here I was wishing for symptoms and now I have them I want them gone. I have not vomited but just feel blah. With Dylan I felt sick from weeks 7 to 10 and then it stopped. I am nearly week 6 and so it has started earlier hope it finished earlier or it continues and if we believe the old wives tales it means I am having a girl.

I had a beautiful boys name picked out but have found out it is my bosses middle name and so have decided we cannot use it because he will think we named baby after him and we don't want that.

May have to resort to some ginger something to help with this all day sickness. I have been eating whenever I feel it but if I continue that I will end up the size of a house which I am trying to avoid. Hmmmm will see what I can do.

Oooohhhhh two lines!

Now that I have told my dear darling friend Lyric I can tell you dear blog. I am pregnant pregnant pregnant with baby number two yay hip hip hooray. And up there is the test to prove it.

After 3 months of trying, then my chemical pregnancy in September which I consider a miscarriage (though some wouldn't), and then three more months of unsuccessful trying, I had actually been given a referral to a Gynaecologist who is also a Fertility Specialist and I was going to discuss my period issues with him and my lack of falling pregnant issues, considering I am heading towarsd 35 this year, eeekkk, but yay now I can cancel my appointment and just be pregnant instead.

I am due on September 21/22 depending on who you ask (fertility friend or the lovely midwife at the birthing centre) which is exciting because I had a mid winter baby last time as Dylan was born on 17th July, and this time I get a lovely spring newborn and a young baby in summer, oh so many bonds singies and short sleeved bodysuits. I know September isn't always warm but sometimes it is and if I go 10 or more dyas late like I did with Dylan then it will be an October baby even closer to Summer, he he he. As I was a winter baby I understand the winter party thing, no BBQs, no outdoors things, rain, cold, blah blah blah. Sadly Dylan will have this all his life but bubby number 2 hopefully will not. My most vivd negative winter birthday party memory was my fifth birthday party, I had a huge party and it was pouring with rain and people were coming in with wet presents, so wet I could see the presents before I opened them as the rain had soaked through the paper, so there was no surprises, sniff. It haunts me to this day. Oh and then my big 13 year old boy cousin stepped on and broke my best present that year which was a skipping rope with bells in the handles, the bells fell out before I even got to use it.

I made a booking at a birth centre this morning so my care would be my GP up until 12 weeks and then just midwives from then on. This is not my final decision about where I want to birth my baby but I wanted to make sure if I do choose this option that I could get a booking. My other option is to have a private Ob and go to a private hospital. The pros and cons are as follows:

PROS CONS

Birth Centre:

Free (ish) Only 2 nights in hosp

No intervention unless absolutely Not guaranteed I won't be bumped to a

necessary Public ward

I loved the midwives during Dylan's birth

Private Ob:

5 nights in hospital Higher rate of intervention

Private room Very expensive

Private Ob

So there you see my decision making is hard as they both have pros and they both have cons. Have to discuss with hubby fully.

Anyway I am excited about this baby very excited, although it is still really sinking in. A brother or sister for Dylan, he will be 3 and 2 months when bubs is born. A good age gap I think. Will be updating this diary more often as I want to record this pregnancy like I recorded Dylan's.

Tagged

Ooohhh yay I was tagged by Lyric silverpear.blogspot.com/

1. Where is your mobile phone? Right next to me what a dork!

2. Where is your significant other? At a rehearsal ah the joys of being a rock n roll widow!

3. Your hair color? Strawberry blonde with two blonde streaks that need redoing. I want more blonde in it.

4. Your mother? Stresses me out at times but is a great friend at others.

5. Your father? Is eccentric, a fabulous cook, has many wild ideas, knows a lot about a lot and loves his children and grandson dearly.

6. Your favorite things? I love my new Ipod nano that I purchased today. My green magna. Books, magazines. My DVDs.

7. Your dream last night? I dreamt about work yuck. I did a First Aid course last week and dreamt I had to help someone who was rather portly, aaarrrggghhh!

8. Your dream/goal? To have another baby or two, I hope for at least one girl but if I get all boys then that is ok. I want a house too, with a laundry and a nice kitchen and a yard for my boy to explore and a room for Jimmie to keep his guitars and CDs and things and a bathroom with a seperate bath and shower not a shower over bath. Plus airconditioning. I would also love to eventually leave my current job and work in a field I am more interested in such as teaching or something to do with babies/pregnancy.

9. The room you're in? Our lounge room with the unpainted water stained ceiling and the horrid shag carpet and our velvety black couches with fluff/cat hair and baby snot/spew all over them nice. The tele is on in the background. I am sitting at my beautiful dark wood freedom desk which I love.

10. Your hobby? Reading, watching movies, playing with my boy.

11. Your fear? Losing someone, losing things.

12. Where do you want to be in six years? With at least one (or two) more child in our own home that is paid off or almost paid off. With another qualification. Not working where I currently work. In a happy relationship (hopefully still in the one I am in now)

13. Where were you last night? Here at home eating a yummy dinner with my family then hanging out with hubby.

14. What you’re not? Pregnant (sniff).

15. One of your wish list items? A bike for me with a wee rider on it for Dylan so we can go out cycling together.

16. Where you grew up? Sorrento and Ferntree Gully.

17. The last thing you did? Went in to my son's room to lay him back down to sleep for the fourth time after hearing him saying "mummmeeeeeee, mummmeeeee" through the monitor. Oh and paid some bills.

18. What are you wearing? A cute blue polkadot baby doll nightie and pink slippers.

20. Your pet? A timid little black girly cat called Natasha May or "Shasha" as Dylan calls her.

21. Your computer? Four years old, would love a laptop I could be doing this in bed!

22. Your mood? Optimistic that I am going to get pregnant in the next month or so, I hope.

23. Missing someone? My husband while he is at his rehearsal.

24. Your car? Beautiful green magna 6 years old. Dylan calls it "mummys car".

25. Something you’re not wearing? Underwear, I am sure you all wanted to know that.

26. Favorite store? Baby bunting I know I am sad.

27. Your summer? Hot, nice, BBQs, drinks, icy poles, my husband loves it.

28. Love someone? My son, my husband, my friends, my family.

29. Your favorite color? Black and purple.

30. When is the last time you laughed? This afternoon watching Dylan get up to some antics.

31. Last time you cried? Yesterday when hubby was nasty to me about bloody Sorrento.

I love doing this type of thing sad I know.

WHEN WILL I BE PREGNANT AGAIN?

We are on the Trying to Conceive path again, we actually started 4 months ago. Last cycle I had the usual pre menstrual spotting for a few days and then it stopped and so on CD 27 and 13DPO I tested and got a BFP but it was very, very faint but DH could see it too and so I thought I would test again the next morning as I had taken the test at night. The next morning I got up a little excited and took another test but BFN. So I thought I will wait until tomorrow and test again. But I didn't need to as AF arrived in all her glory, waaaaaa. And Af who is usually 5 days or so continued on and on and on some days were just spotting then when I had had it for 13 days it got super heavy again like day 1 and I had had enough so I took myself off to my lovely GP John who told me he suspected an early miscarriage/chemical pregnancy. And I felt a little sad at that point. He was very sympathetic and sent me off for an ultrasound to ensure there were no retained products which there weren't thanks goodness. Then bleeding continued on for another 4 days so 17 days all up and now I am waiting waiting for something to happen AF or O, I think I am on CD 31 sigh. When will I be pregnant again? I so want another baby and I know it will happen but when. Sigh.