Sunday, May 24, 2009

Back again

Well I have been slack but I have also been very sad. Sad about losing our little angel and sad that my husband has had to be away so much working on the stupid house in Sorrento. Well I can feel a little happier now as he is home again after being not so graciosuly thrown off the job by my mad mother, oh well it is her house and it is her money she is wasting. So apart from my bitterness about how the whole thing has turned out I am rather chuffed to have him home again, yay.

So we have just started trying again and I am at the end of my first cycle TTC post miscarriage and I think it will be a big fat negative as my temps dipped this morning and I have spotting. Oh well on to thenext cycle I guess. I really want to be pregnant I feel so sad about not being pregnant and I am starting to feel infertile which I cannot be because I have fallen pregnant 4 times over the last 8 years but sadly only have one baby to show for that. I feel as though everyone around me is just getting pregnant and I am being left behind. I want to say I know I will have myself another baby but I don't know this. I really still want to have three babies and time seems to be slipping away. I also did not want this big a gap between Dylan and his brother or sister. He is about to turn three and so he will be heading towards four when another one comes along if I get pregnant and it sitcks that is. I guess I shouldn't feel so gloomy about the whole thing but I can't help it. I think if need be we will have use a fertility specialist but I hope it doesn't come to that as I know it will be very expensive. Sigh. Wish I could feel positive but it is very hard to at the moment. I bought our angel baby a willow tree figurine http://www.willowtree.info/ and so I have one for Dylan and one for the baby I lost. Myhusband doesn't like them but I do I love them. They are quite girly I suppose so I can see why he wouldn't like them. Too bad they are staying.

Anyway enough of my doom and gloom I will do a sunny post about Dylan (my beautiful treasure) soon.