Tuesday, March 10, 2009

I'm sorry to have to tell you.....

Sadly we lost the baby.

Thursday a week and a half ago I started spotting but it was pink spotting like I had with Dylan so I thought it is ok, it will be ok. Then it continued on Friday and Saturday but more brown spotting old blood which I thought it is still ok. On the Saturday I went to my GP to get my 12 week scan referral and mentioned the spotting to him and he brushed it off saying it is normal. So on it continued and so I called the Uptrasound place on Monday and got in on Tuesday and so took the day off. By this stage the spotting was heavier but not period heavy and still pink. But I had some cramping though very mild and I realised my boobs had stopped hurting and I no longer felt that full feeling in my womb. I was scared. I cried many tears between Saturday and Tuesday, I was swinging between the thoughts "It's ok everything is ok with the baby" to "It is all over". By the time I went for my ultrasound I was convinced it was all over but I felt a slight glimmer of hope that they would show me my healthy 11 week old baby on the screen with a beating heart. As the ultrasonographer was scanning my uterus she never showed me the screen, instead she kept it turned away from me. She said to me "How many weeks pregnant should you be?" I knew, I just knew as soon as she said those words that the baby was gone. Then she asked me if she could do an internal I agreed knowing it was all over. When she was doing the internal she stopped and put her hand on my arm and said to me "I am sorry to have to tell you this but I can see a baby but there is no heartbeat. The baby died at 8 weeks" I just said "Ok" because what was the point of crying to a stranger, I saved it all for home. She asked me if I minded if she got the doctor to give a second opinion and he came in and said the same thing that the baby died at 8 weeks. Sigh.

This wasn't supposed to happen to me. I have a perfectly healthy boy and I had a wonderfully normal and healthy pregnancy with him. Why not another one the same. I am so ready for another baby why did this have to happen now and to me. I want Dylan to have a baby brother or sister. I was so happy to be giving him a playmate. But now it is not to be.

I am sad, so sad. Too sad to be able to tell anyone how sad I really am. Dylan keeps me going as I have to keep going for him. If there was no Dylan I would be in bed crying all day. But there is Dylan and he is my little boy and I love him and want him to be happy and not know Mummy is sad. I am so glad we kept the news of the baby from him now I don't have to explain that no baby is coming to him.

We will try again, in fact we will try as soon as I have my next period but I kind of thought my TTC days were behind me for now at least. It is annoying to have to jump on that bandwagon again. It is not romantic and it is stressful.

The Ob/Gyn I saw and who did my D&C said we can start trying as soon as my next period comes which is good. I hope it happens quickly but it may not. As we have had two miscarriages in a row now, we will be able to have things looked into by him if another miscarriage is to occur. I hope hope hope I do not go through another one. He also said we could have the foetus and myself tested for genetic abnormalities but we declined this as we have a perfect Dylan so we should be able to have another perfect little one.

We will keep on going and we will have our pefect second baby. He or she is out there waiting for us. I am hopeful of this.